So far I have had a pretty good day one with chemo. I woke up in the middle of night feeling “not right” but too tired to identify what exactly that was. Just as a precaution, I woke up my husband to get me the first pill I should take if I experience nausea. It must have helped because I went back to sleep and woke up feeling fine.
My only symptoms today were feeling a bit tired, but not too bad and, lack of an appetite. I made sure to eat small snacks all day and hydrate like it’s my job in an effort to avoid other side effects.
I had to go back to NYU today to get my follow up shot of Neulasta. It is given as an injection at least 24 hours after a chemo treatment ends. it is meant to boost white blood cell count in an effort to reduce infection. Chemo kills fast growing cancer cells but white blood cells are also rapid growing cells so I am now immuno suppressed. A side effect of Neulasta is flu like symptoms like body aches and bone pain.
After I got my shot I took a trip to Housing Works Thrift Shop and Angel Thrift Shop to look for some cool looking scarves. I came up short unfortunately but by the end of my trip I could feel that I was getting pretty tired. I have been instructed to listen to my body so I got on the train, came home and took a long nap.
Ken called me in a panic asking me to get up, eat, go to the bathroom (to avoid a really bad bladder infection which is a side effect of one of the chemo medications) and hydrate. So, I just had half an egg salad sandwich and drank 8 oz of water and plan to drink at least 16 oz more before the end of the night.
One hard part of all of this is that I think we are all waiting for the shoe to drop. Everyone is on their toes waiting for me to get sick. That is one of the hard parts going though this; everyone is waiting and watching for the shit to hit the fan.
For example, my mother-in-law has generously offered to sleep over tomorrow night and stay all of Saturday to watch Oliver (Thank you, Mary!!!!). It really is a wonderful offer but it also feels like there is someone here waiting for me to get sick. I know that is not her intention AT ALL but that’s what it feels like. I can’t have someone watching me wondering if I’m not going to make it, although I probably should.
I’m not good at asking for help and I’m finding it hard to do it here. I feel judged, judged for having cancer. I might not be rational but it is what it is.
If I start feeling ill, tomorrow should be the day. I’m trying not to think about it, refusing to believe that I might have to alter my life. I might have to ask for help. That is hard for me.