Hi everyone! I’m back from the depths of chemo #3 and I’ve made it out without too much damage. No nausea!! No mouth sores. Just major fatigue, some appetite loss and weakness.
My oncologist took me off one more steroid pill this time around since I haven’t been experiencing any nausea with the hopes that my fatigue wouldn’t come with as much of a crash as in the past. I’m glad to say it worked but my fatigue started earlier than before and I was unprepared.
The last two treatments I started getting tired on the Saturday, usually after naps in the late afternoon. This time I got really lethargic on Friday night. I was completely unprepared for this and even took Oliver out for his favorite activity, riding the MTA. Of course we got stuck in awful rush hour traffic and what was supposed to be a quick 45 minute ride turned into a harrowing hour and a half. By the time we were done, I was wiped and Oliver was moody. Really moody. I still had to get dinner on the table, bathe him and put him to bed.
Getting Oliver home was a nightmare. It was cold, I was exhausted and he refused to walk in the direction of home. He just wanted to be outside and play, cold and darkness be damned! The five minute walk home turned into a twenty minute ordeal of coaxing, begging, chastising, threatening…you name it. But Oliver was resolute in his objective to jump, run, pick up leaves and sit on the ground in protest.
Then, when we got home and I got dinner on the table, he refused to eat it. He has a thing with “slurping” right now. He loves to slurp and thinks it’s the funniest thing ever. What he doesn’t understand is that you can really only slurp a soup or liquid and not things like potatoes or peas. So he would try to slurp his potatoes or peas and almost choke. So I took away his food to get him to stop. He bit me. And so started our Friday evening battle which ended in five time outs and me yelling at him.
I yelled at him. Sometimes children need to be yelled at, but Oliver is 23 months old and yelling is not the best tactic with a child that age. But I was tired. So, so tired and my patience had worn thin and I wasn’t being rational. So I yelled and gave punishments until Ken came home and I gave up and passed Oliver on for him to deal with…which he did.
When you are as tired as you are when your experiencing the side effects from chemo, a little grumpiness is not unreasonable. But sometimes I’m alone with Oliver and feel like shit but he doesn’t know or care. And he shouldn’t. But I’m still grumpy and I still want to be taken care of and that’s not the way this is going to work. I need to find a way to not let the grump monster take over when I’m feeling off. I know I need to forgive myself and be patient and understanding of my own experience but first, and most importantly, I need to be a great mom.