My Little Bs Have the Big C

A Breast Cancer Blog For Young Women

And The Nightmare Continued….More

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It’s like a title to a bad horror movie flick.  But no.  It’s my life these days.  I feel like the news, the side effects, the illness keep getting thrown at me without warning, without a break, without mercy.  I’m surviving.  I’m ok.  My team has got my back but it’s hard to take in.

Everything seemed to be on the way back to normal after I left the hospital.  I had energy (some) and I was feeling pretty good.  The night of Oliver’s birthday, we went to Dyker Heights, Brooklyn to look at all the Christmas lights, a birthday tradition.  We took it slow but just the trip tuckered me out.  When we got home I had a small dinner but couldn’t eat much.  My appetite hadn’t come back.  Food didn’t make me nauseous but none of it looked good and tasted worse.  Nothing tasted anything like what it actually was and that is completely off-putting.

Sunday morning I woke up and had no energy and never recovered during the day.  I ended up popping a tylenol and made it to my aunt’s Chanukkah party that night but still couldn’t eat or drink.  I was wiped by the night’s end.  So I cancelled my work for the next day so I could just rest.

On Monday….God, I actually can’t remember Monday.  Did this week even have a Monday in it?  Did we skip it somehow?  Unlikely, but I can’t remember a thing.

Then yesterday I woke up from a terrible night’s sleep.  I was shaky, light headed, dizzy and completely lacked energy.  I think it had been almost a week since I had a proper meal.  I had an appointment first thing in the morning with my breast surgeon for a follow up (which went fine) but I think it was very good that I was back at the cancer center.  My nurse, Heidi, came in to check on me and I told her that I was not doing well at all.  I think I must have looked like shit because she asked me to stay, have more blood work done, and get some fluids for rehydration.  What should have been a 15 minute doctor’s visit turned into a 4 hour stay.  Which was necessary, but a pain in the ass.

We’re waiting on the blood cultures, which we think will still come back negative for any infection.  We think I’m just fighting a virus and that my body just doesn’t have the defenses to fight it.  My white blood cell count tanked which has also contributed to the general feeling of crappiness.  They gave me an immuno-boost shot yesterday, I went back today for another one and then two more on Friday and Saturday.

I was supposed to be continuing with my chemo today but we had to postpone that yet again because of my white blood cells.  Hopefully by Monday I will be good enough to continue.  I don’t want to put this off any longer.  I want to move toward the end.  So, I’m eating and drinking whether I like it or not because that will make me healthy.  Shrimp tastes good to me.  Go figure.

Anyway, I’m missing my best friends annual Feast of the Seven Fishes tonight.  She’s going to have, like, 20 people there and I can’t take that risk.  If someone is even thinking of getting sick I’ll catch it and that would be bad.  I can’t have another setback.  So it’s me and the TV today.  Oliver is with my parents to I can recuperate.  Ken is working.

There’s one more kicker to this whole thing.  One more thing to add to the shit that is my life.  One more thing to make me angry.  One more thing to make me feel shamed.  Chemo can put a woman into a temporary menopause.  Well, it looks like my menopause started hitting me two nights ago because I’m having hot flashes and soaking through my pajamas.  Seriously, it’s like I jumped into a pool of my own sweat.  It’s awful.  Fucking terribly awful.

I’m 37.  I have breast cancer.  I’ve lost my breast, my hair, my eyelashes and eyebrows are on their way out, I feel like shit and now….I’M GOING THROUGH FUCKING MENOPAUSE!!!!!!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

The end.

Fin.

Scene.

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2 thoughts on “And The Nightmare Continued….More

  1. Add a double-plus F*CK for me too, please.

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