My Little Bs Have the Big C

A Breast Cancer Blog For Young Women

I Told the Universe and the Universe Said, “F*#k You!”


In my last post, I mentioned that the last time I felt great, I ended up in the hospital the next day.  No, don’t worry.  It’s not quite that bad but when we took my blood counts today, we learned that things have taken a dip again.  My hemoglobin is getting suspiciously low again and I am about .6 points away from another blood transfusion.  My white blood cells have taken a dip as well but I’m keeping the same protocol, 3 self injections of Neupogen.

I spoke to my nurse practitioner who said she is not concerned.  We have gone forward with chemo today and most likely will next week, even if I need a blood transfusion a day or two later.

I’m glad that she is not concerned because I’m pissed off.  Why is it that I feel so good but things are going to shit?  I know that I’m doing everything right but there’s that feeling of failure again.  I keep failing!!!!!!  Even thought I have no control over what is happening and that makes it even worse.

I’m eating my lentil soup, kale and other iron rich foods.  I’m shooting myself up on schedule.  So WTF?!?!

There are no answers.  Except that when the universe sees that I’m up, it’s intent on pushing me down again.  When will this be over?


4 thoughts on “I Told the Universe and the Universe Said, “F*#k You!”

  1. Whenever Tom went to the doctor’s office and they asked him “How are you feeling” , his answer was always the same, “You tell me. How I’m FEELING is irrelevant. I have always felt fine. But the numbers just don’t agree.” Don’t think of it as the universe out to get you. Think of yourself quietly going along, ignoring the universe! That damn universe will NOT get you!

  2. I try to objectify the feeling of failure itself. It is the feeling which is your assailant and you want the prescription of objectification to defeat it.

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