My Little Bs Have the Big C

A Breast Cancer Blog For Young Women

Mommy Mondays: The Guilt Of Not Being There

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Life these last few weeks have been intense.  Between work and radiation treatment, it seems like I’m never home.  And when I am home, I’m completely exhausted.

My work as a teaching artist has been wonderful in the sense that I get to make my own hours and take on as much or as little work as I like.  This has allowed me to raise Oliver while he is still young.  I know many parents have to go back to work full time when their babies are as young as six weeks old and I have been lucky to be able to spend so much time with Oliver in his young life.

Maybe I have taken on too much work lately.  I thought that when the chemo was over I would be feeling better.  I am but I’m still so, so tired and the chemo brain is still there taking away the memories of conversations, lists, instructions, promises.  I’m handling it but I feel that, at any point, I can just crash.  But I’m afraid to give up that work because I don’t want our finances to suffer.  It has suffered enough.

In addition to all of this, I have had to go to radiation five times a week!  Five. Times. A. Week.  The actual treatment only takes about 10 minutes but sometimes the wait is an hour or more and that really cuts into my day.

Several times this week, I came home just in time to say goodnight to Oliver.  There were a couple of days I didn’t see him at all.  This is not normal for us.

To be honest, this is all bothering me and not bothering Oliver.  He is being cared for by grandma and grandpa and they spoil him rotten.  He loves being with them!  He has not been angry at me or cried when left the house.  In fact, when I say I’m going he looks at me and say, “Bye, mommy!!!!!” and goes about his business.

I know that this is only a blip in time and that by Friday, treatment will be over.  That will buy me some more time.  I just feel guilty that this is happening to us.  That I have done this to my family.


One thought on “Mommy Mondays: The Guilt Of Not Being There

  1. Please try not to blame yourself for something you had no control over. No way!!

    It isn’t easy to take treatments and do everything you can to be well, on top of taking care of your home. You are a great example for your son. Although he may be too small to realize it now, one day he will.

    This isn’t your fault at all. You did nothing to your family except prove how much you love them by doing everything you can to get better. That alone is being there for your son. For your husband. For the rest of your family. And even for us, your fellow cancer patients. Believe it!


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