Life these last few weeks have been intense. Between work and radiation treatment, it seems like I’m never home. And when I am home, I’m completely exhausted.
My work as a teaching artist has been wonderful in the sense that I get to make my own hours and take on as much or as little work as I like. This has allowed me to raise Oliver while he is still young. I know many parents have to go back to work full time when their babies are as young as six weeks old and I have been lucky to be able to spend so much time with Oliver in his young life.
Maybe I have taken on too much work lately. I thought that when the chemo was over I would be feeling better. I am but I’m still so, so tired and the chemo brain is still there taking away the memories of conversations, lists, instructions, promises. I’m handling it but I feel that, at any point, I can just crash. But I’m afraid to give up that work because I don’t want our finances to suffer. It has suffered enough.
In addition to all of this, I have had to go to radiation five times a week! Five. Times. A. Week. The actual treatment only takes about 10 minutes but sometimes the wait is an hour or more and that really cuts into my day.
Several times this week, I came home just in time to say goodnight to Oliver. There were a couple of days I didn’t see him at all. This is not normal for us.
To be honest, this is all bothering me and not bothering Oliver. He is being cared for by grandma and grandpa and they spoil him rotten. He loves being with them! He has not been angry at me or cried when left the house. In fact, when I say I’m going he looks at me and say, “Bye, mommy!!!!!” and goes about his business.
I know that this is only a blip in time and that by Friday, treatment will be over. That will buy me some more time. I just feel guilty that this is happening to us. That I have done this to my family.