My Little Bs Have the Big C

A Breast Cancer Blog For Young Women

“Mommy’s So Pretty!”

6 Comments

Tonight I spent dinner trying to convince Oliver that he was once tiny.  I was telling him a story about when he was about eight or nine months old and we went to a Mexican restaurant and we gave him some guacamole to eat.  We didn’t know that the restaurant had added in jalepeño peppers into the mix.  We gave Oliver a huge bite and the next thing we know, his hands slammed on the table, his eyes opened wide and he screamed.  Oops!  Parent fail!  This story upset him so I tried to tell him that this happened a long time ago when he was tiny.  “Oliver not tiny!  Oliver was not tiny!”

I think this is the moment right before the jalepeño hit him.  Poor guy.

I think this is the moment right before the jalepeño hit him. Poor guy.

In order to convince him that he was in fact once a very small human, I got out my computer and we started to look at pictures from his first year.  He loves looking at photos of himself.  As we were scrolling through, we came upon a picture of me holding him when he was just a couple of weeks old.  My hair was long (well, long for me, at my shoulders).  Oliver looked at the picture and said, “Oooo, mommy, look at all that hair!!!”

The picture that made Oliver say, "Oooo, look at mommy's hair!"

The picture that made Oliver say, “Oooo, look at mommy’s hair!”

He pointed out my hair in this one, too.

He pointed out my hair in this one, too.

Then we started to look at other pictures and he found one of just me taken just over a year ago.  He said, “Oooo, look!  Mommy’s so pretty!”  I was smiling, I had a cute hair cut and a glass of wine in front of me.  I was pretty.

This is the picture where Oliver told me that I was pretty.

This is the picture where Oliver told me that I was pretty.

I’ve never thought of myself as a great beauty.  There were parts of me that I loved but others that I wish were different.  But as I looked at some of those pictures of me with my chocolate brown hair with red highlights (and spritzes of grey), my skin imperfect but unaffected by chemotherapy, my thick eyebrows and my long eyelashes, I see myself differently.  I see someone who is pretty.  I see myself as Oliver sees me in those pictures.

I regret looking at myself and not seeing the beauty.  I miss so much of who I was before cancer came into the picture and one of the things I miss is my reflection.  I never thought that would be the case.  Who knew it would take such drastic measures for me to realize what I had and how good I had it?

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6 thoughts on ““Mommy’s So Pretty!”

  1. You ARE so pretty! 🙂
    I remember something a friend said to me in my twenties. I was trying to avoid being in a photo friends were taking, hiding my face. My friend said to me… Come on Veronica, get in the photo. You should be in the picture! We will never be as beautiful as we are now!

    Ha ha! It stuck with me, and since I’ve tried to not avoid photos as… now is the time, and we are pretty gorgeous arent we 🙂

  2. I agree – you *are* so pretty, then and now! My 3yo tells me I’m beautiful, and while it melts my heart, I don’t quite believe it. It is very, very hard getting used to the new normal. I feel like I haven’t accepted it all yet.
    I think all those ladies are outstanding beauty models!

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