My Little Bs Have the Big C

A Breast Cancer Blog For Young Women

The Whatifs


Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song.

-Shel Silverstein

what if 1

I might be freaking out a little bit.  Just a tad.  My DIEP Flap is in just a few short hours and well…I want to run away.  Far, far away.  I’m questioning every decision I have made, every bit of research I have amassed over the last three months and every piece of advice I have gotten from numerous doctors.  They mean nothing to me right now.  Fear is the supreme ruler and I have a serious case of the Whatifs.

What if I can’t walk into the O.R.?

What if my knees give out?

What if I throw up?

What if I wake up in the middle of the surgery?

What if I never wake up from the surgery?

What if it hurts so, so, so, so, so much?

What if there are complications?

What if I have to stay in the hospital longer than expected?

What if I get an infection?

What if my surgeon fucks up?

What if I don’t like my new breast?

What if it takes months or years to heal and get back to normal again?

What if I can’t hold my son for a long period of time?

What if my son throws temper tantrums and I can’t do anything about it because I can’t lift him?

What if my son hurts himself and I can’t do anything about it because I can’t lift him?

What if my son forgets about my “boo-boos” and jumps on me and tears my scars?

What if my son is afraid to hurt me and then doesn’t let me snuggle him?

What if I don’t see my son for days and I miss him so much it hurts?  There’s no pain medication for that.

What if I can’t get back to work when I planned?

What if I physically can’t work the way I hope to in a few weeks?

What if this surgery doesn’t help my lymphedema?

What if the surgery makes my lymphedema worse?

What if I die?

What if I regret it all?

What if I made the wrong decision?

What if, what if, what if, what if, what if?


Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

-Shel Silverstein

what if 2


5 thoughts on “The Whatifs

  1. What if things go just as you want them to…..

  2. I remember how crazy my mind was the night before my first surgery. It turned out to be better than I had anticipated. I have faith you will do very well. And remember I am not too far! xo

  3. Hi Carrie,
    Having nights (and sometimes days) full of “what ifs” is totally understandable considering what you’ve been through and what you are now facing. I’ve had many of them myself… probably most of us have. I think it’s part of the processing. I like Helen’s comment up there… Good luck with everything. Thinking of you.

  4. Pingback: Weekly Round Up | Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer

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