Sometimes I regress to my former self. The self before I was happy; happy with my career, happy in love and happy with a family that I made myself (ok, I had a little help). The self that was superficial and wanted “things.” Lots of things. And I think I have been regressing lately because I’ve been so unhappy post-cancer. I’m unhappy with my body, with how I feel, with my outlook on life…emotionally, each day is a struggle to get used to my new normal. I don’t even know what normal is! So, when I thought of Mother’s Day, I thought of all the things I wanted. The things I deserved! I mean, haven’t I raised a child (and did a great job of it, I must say) while undergoing treatment, post surgeries and despite extreme fatigue? Don’t I continue hormone therapies with terrible side effects so I can be around long enough to be a mother to my growing child? Don’t I sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice?
The answer I came up with was, FUCK YEAH!!!!!!! And I wanted pretty things to prove my worth as a mother. What things? I don’t know. A pretty dress, earrings….something that I can throw on my body and say, “I earned this.”
I don’t like the person I become when I am unhappy in life.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be treated well, with wanting something pretty or to feel special, putting such importance on a frivolous items defeats the purpose of the day. And I know better than that. I am constantly grateful for what I have. I have a happy and healthy family, as of last week my scans show no signs of cancer, my son is amazingly perfect in every way, I have a job, a home (rental but a home), food to eat and even a little money left over to go out once or twice a month. I’m not running from my country fearing for my life. I’m not afraid that a bomb is going to fall on my home. I enjoy religious (or lack there of) freedoms without fear of the consequences. My water is safe to drink. I have water. I have health insurance.
Life is good.
I have so much. I have so many wonderful things in my life the greatest being, Oliver. He showers me daily with kisses, hugs, snuggles and huggles (a hug/snuggle hybrid that we made up). He tells me he loves me. He wants to play with me and takes me on imaginative journeys with tickle monsters. He protects me. Just yesterday he reminded me to buckle my seatbelt (I didn’t forget) and said, “Am I protecting you, Mommy? Like you protect me?”
What more could I want? There are few things I really, really want that money can buy. But what I really want is to feel happy, to have a fulfilling career, a marriage full of love and to watch Oliver grow. Right now, I have that. I am grateful.
Happy Mother’s Day.