My Little Bs Have the Big C

A Breast Cancer Blog For Young Women


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Am I Lucky?

This week in the United States, the House pushed through a bill that would drastically reduce care for those with pre-existing conditions and substantially increase the cost of having a pre-existing condition, making it pretty much unaffordable.  A pre-existing condition can be anything from cancer to ADD, acne to autism, cerebral palsy to diabetes,  a c-section and possibly even sexual assault (although I’m now reading that this is more complicated than the bill saying that rape is a pre-existing condition, which it does not).

If this bill passes in the Senate and becomes law, it will be devastating for millions of families…millions upon millions upon millions.  There is literally no one I know, both in and out of the cancer world, who this will not negatively effect.

I want to be clear, the ACA is not perfect.  Not by a long shot.  It has a lot of problems.  While one of my friends who is on it say she is now paying less monthly for her family for better coverage, two others say that they are paying more monthly in co-pays and deductibles that they can’t even meet.  Why is this?  I’m not sure but it does seem unfair .  It needs fixing.

But it seems to me that signing the death certificate of so many who need life saving medical care is not the answer.  This bill is far from the answer.

After the new healthcare bill passed in the House, I said out loud, to myself, “Wow, I’m lucky I got cancer when I did.”  Then I suddenly stopped breathing for a moment, realizing the thought that I had just spoken out loud.  I was LUCKY to get cancer when I did?  Then, by the same token, I was lucky to have had a difficult birth experience and have a c-section when I did.

To say something like this is crazy.  Just crazy!  Because no one is lucky to get cancer…EVER!  But at the same token, I can’t help but wonder if I dodged a financial bullet.  Being on very good, employer based healthcare (something I do not take for granted and yes, I know how lucky I am) we’ve come out of the cancer experience in financial tact.  There are countless others who can not say the same thing.  I know that.  But under this new bill, if my cancer were to come back, which it can at any time,  my care could bankrupt my family.

The question I would face, and that so many others face now and will certainly face if this new bill goes through is, what is my life worth?  Is it worth bankrupting my family for a few more months?  Would people just give up the fight for the benefit of the future generations?

Why should anyone have to make this choice?  Isn’t every life precious?  Don’t we all deserve to be here for as long as possible?  Don’t we all deserve the same access to top-notch care?

This healthcare bill literally makes my stomach turn when I think about what it means for the cancer community and beyond.  And I’m more sickened that I sighed a breath of relief that I got sick when I did.  But, it’s true.  I’m lucky.  I got cancer when it seems that our government cared, even just a little bit, about whether I lived or died.

I can write a book about what I think are the long term implications on our society when we put a bill like this one into place.  But just imagine, who will be left if no one could afford life saving measures?  Only the richest few.  What would America be?  Who would we be?

Hmmm….I see a dystopian novel in my future.

1didyoudieofCOLCP

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Head Bowed, Heart Heavy

“It doesn’t escape me for one moment that so much joy in my life is thanks to so much pain in someone else’s. ” -Lupita Nyong’o in her Oscar speech

There are some days when something happens that snaps you back to reality.  A chance meeting with someone that lets you know how good you have it.  A story in the newspaper that reminds you that you are loved and have others to go home to tightly hold.  On Thursday I had one of those days.  Boy, did I have one of those days.

If you haven’t noticed from my posts in the last few months, I have been in a survivorship slump.  People often think that when treatment is over, life goes back to normal but I have been dealing with anxiety and depression due to what I have experienced over the last year and also from the side effects that I have.

I was in the waiting room this past Thursday morning to see my therapist.  While I was waiting, I needed to use the restroom.  Both were occupied but quickly one of the doors unlocked and I noticed something was banging against it.  My therapist is in the ambulatory care hospital so it’s common to see people with canes, walkers, wheelchairs and in stretchers.  I went over to the door and offered my help.  The man accepted.  He was in a wheelchair and thanked me for opening the door.  “It is so hard.  It is so hard,” he said to me.  “It looks like it’s really hard.  I can’t believe they don’t have a button for people in wheelchairs to press that automatically opens the door!  It’s ridiculous!”  He agreed and began to tell me his story.  He is a stroke victim and this has caused him to lose a good deal of his mobility on his left side.  Then after his stroke he got hit by a car and lost his right arm.  The only extremity that works as it should is his right leg.

We talked for a good ten minutes.  He really needed for someone to hear his story.  I was humbled that he trusted a stranger like me with his life’s tragedies.  “If I want to wear jeans, I have to leave an extra hour to get ready because I can’t zip and button the pants.”  “I don’t have a home care attendant anymore.  No one comes to help and take care of me.”  “I’m working hard.  I can’t do much but God has spared me.  But I try.  Do you want to see me walk?”  And up he stood, walking carefully close to the wall to brace himself.

I don’t know how in the face of such challenges he can remain so positive.  My challenges in comparison are small, they are real but small, and it has plunged me into depression.  I live every day in fear of my future.  And uncertain of it.  But his eyes were bright and hopeful.  He was going to walk again and be free of that chair.  That he promised me.

Right after that I took my seat in the waiting room again.  I opened facebook to pass the time until my therapist came out.  And just as she did and said hello, I saw some terrible news.  A cousin of mine, who I don’t really know but who I recently connected with on facebook died in a car crash.  He married his beautiful wife just three days before.  They were on their honeymoon and for some reason he swerved his SUV out of his lane and hit a bus.  I found this news to be devastating.  Again, I barely knew him but it’s funny how social media makes you feel closer to someone than you actually are.  I watched in photographs as he made a beautiful box for his then girlfriend in which to put the ring that he proposed to her with, and as he excitedly prepared for his wedding, their beautiful wedding day and pictures from their honeymoon that were posted in real time.

You know when you see something or read something and it’s so shocking that it makes no sense?  This was one of those things.  And upon understanding and clarity there is fear, sadness and that feeling in your gut and hands that make you sick with confusion of life’s uncertainties.

Not long after this, there was the shooting on a college campus in Oregon where a shooter entered a classroom and killed ten people.  Another national tragedy at the hands of a person with a gun.  Ten families were changed forever.  Ten families were whole just a few hours before and now they aren’t.

I just wanted to go home and crawl under my bed and hide from this day.  At the same time I just wanted to hold my family tight and be grateful for their lives and my own.

Why does it take tragedies like this to be reminded that we have so many good things in our life?  Even though we struggle, there is so much to be grateful for.  I hate that it has to happen this way.  That my joy and my gratitude are because of the pain and suffering of others.  But grateful I am.