So has it really been almost 5 months since my last post? It has, hasn’t it? That’s a really, really long time. There have been several times where I have started a post either here or in my head but haven’t followed through. I haven’t had it in me recently.
In these last five months, I have also stopped reading blogs and going on my Little Bs facebook page. I wanted to try an experiment; to see if breaking away for a little while would encourage healing and calm my anxieties.
Well, it worked. I didn’t think it would. I thought I’d just go back to it, like a drug and I needed my fix. That’s the way it was for me when I was first diagnosed and the year and a half post treatment. I needed to connect. I needed to write. I needed to get all of that anger, fear, frustration, rage, confusion, joy, depression out of me and this blog and your blogs were my release. I’m forever grateful.
But it seems that as my physical scars are starting to fade, so are my inner scars. They are not gone. I still see and feel them both every day. But they are not as raw.
I remember a time not too long ago that I was hysterical crying to my husband who really wanted me to “move on” from this experience. I yelled at him, “Don’t you understand? I can’t move on! I’ll never move on! It will always be like this!” I meant it too. I could not imagine a day where I did not cry, when I wasn’t afraid I was going to die or that the cancer would come back. I could not imagine a day where I wouldn’t be angry at my body for betraying me.
The day seems to have come where I’m a lot less angry and a lot less afraid. I think about cancer daily still but it’s finally starting to feel like a part of my past rather than my present. Can you believe it? Is it possible?
That’s not to say I haven’t missed all of you. I have. I’ve felt guilty over and over for leaving this community without a word. I meant to check in several times but, you know…life. I know I have missed so much; babies born, clean scans, recurrences and death. I have missed a lot.
Will I continue writing and reading? A bit, I think. I’m not done with this cancer life. I never will be. I will always be changed by what has happened to me. And I will always be connected to you.
I say this now. But, one day, will the scars on my body completely fade until there is just a light shadow where the trauma occurred? Will the same thing happen with my heart? Who’s to say?