Movies I Can Never Watch Again. Thanks, Cancer!

I love, I mean LOVE a good tear jerker.  If you give me a choice between a comedy and a deep, dark drama, I’m all for the movie where shit get’s real.  But now that I have freakin’ cancer, I can’t watch them anymore.  Here are a few that I loved (some I didn’t) and will never, ever watch again because it’s too close and I can’t take it.

 STEP MOM

Step Mom is one of my favorite movies.  It’s my go to movie if I need to cry.  You know those shitty days when you need to cry it out but the cry is stuck?  That’s when I’d turn on Step Mom.  There’s the scene when Susan Sarandon’s character learns that she is going to die from her cancer and she’s laying in bed and has quilted her children their last cape or blanket.  She’s saying goodbye.  And the little boy asks, “Mom, are you going to die?” and Susan Sarandon asks, “What do you think?”  I can’t take it!!!  And now I can never watch this fucking movie again!!!!  Fuck you, cancer!

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Really.  Do I need to explain it?  Debra Winger gets breast cancer.  It’s the 80’s so she’s pretty screwed.  Shirley McClaine screams “Get her the drugs!!!!!”  She eventually dies leaving behind two adorable children.  They always show this movie on basic cable every year.  And now I can’t watch it.  You suck, cancer!!!!!

STEEL MAGNOLIAS

Another Julia movie.  I know, I know.  Her character had diabetes or something, not cancer but still!  She desperately wants a baby and decides to have one despite the risks.  She has the baby.  Her veins get all messed up.  She goes on dialysis.  She collapses while alone with her baby and is found hours later when said baby points toward the screen door where her body is laying.  She never wakes up.  Sally Field screams, “Why??!!??!!” in the most primal way.  They celebrate Easter.  I love this movie.  Bye-bye awesome depressing movie.  I hate you, cancer.

BEACHES

 Well.  Um.  Wont’ miss this one.  Never really liked it that much and Bette Midler kind of annoyed me.  But I watched it if it was on.  Now I won’t.  Thank you, (no really, thank you!) cancer.

THE FAULT IN OUR STARS

Ken and I saw this on our vacation this June when I had cancer but didn’t know I had cancer yet.  I cried the whole time.  I’ll never watch this movie again because this movie is like, super cancery (I made up that word) and everyone has cancer and it’s awful.  Won’t read the book either.  Cancer, I’m looking at you here.

ANY DISNEY MOVIE

Disney always kills the mother in the first 10 minutes.  Walt, you fuckin’ sicko.  What the hell is wrong with you?  Walt + Cancer = BFFs.

Any favorite movies that you love that I can’t watch because I fucking have cancer?  Let me know.  I’d love to wish I could watch them!

 

Fashion Fridays: Cute Post-Op PJs

I’ve been thinking about it.  I will probably need some easy on, easy off pajamas post surgery.  Due to any discomfort and restricted movement, it has been suggested that I get some button down tops.  I don’t have any since I don’t think I look particularly good in them.  But some comfy pajamas I can get behind, but I don’t want to look like an old grandma.  I’d like something soft, stretchy and cute.  Any suggestions?  Here are some I found.  Oh, and I need to get it asap and I don’t want to pay a fortune.  

soma.com

My mom swears by Soma and these are pretty cute.  I like the color.

 

 

nordstrom.com

These jersey pj’s are classic and look super comfortable.  A bit on the pricy side, though.

nordstrom.com

This looks luxurious, and so is the price.  Is it worth it?

I think these are the ones I want.  But, again, I don’t want to spend so much.  Any advice on where to get good comfortable pajamas that won’t break the bank?

Many Thank You’s

Dear All Of You Wonderful People,

I know that my last post was a bit of a downer so I wanted to follow it up with a thank you for all of the support I have received.  I have had people I know and don’t know reach out to me to offer advice and support.  I have not had time to get back to many of you but I wanted you to know that I so appreciate the offer of help.  I will take many of you up on it.  I just need to be more ready.  I am sure you understand.  Life is a bit overwhelming right now and there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to deal with it all.  So you have not been snubbed.  Far from it.  I have read your words and took them to heart.  Thank you, thank you for all of the love.  It really will help me get through.

Love, 

Carrie

 

It’s Going To Be Fine

It’s pretty common knowledge that when you are watching a marathon, you never shout to the runners how much farther they need to go.  Never, ever say, “You only have seven miles to go!  You can do it!”  It’s the worst thing they can hear.  Yes, they might have already run twenty miles or so but those last few miles can seem impossible to complete.

That is how I feel about my cancer.  A lot of people keep saying to me, “Oh, it’s going to be fine.”  “You’re young.”  “I know someone who’s been through it and now they barely remember it.”  “You’re tough, you can do it.”  “You’re going to be fine.”  But what does that mean?  Really?

I’m not begrudging these people for saying this to me.  Many are wonderful people with the best intentions and want to be positive and help me do the same.  But what they don’t realize is that I’m looking through a tunnel.  At the end of the tunnel there might be “fine,” but I certainly can’t see it.  I only see what’s right in front of me and that’s all of the treatment, recovery and struggle.  How am I really supposed to see beyond that?

Everything is not fine right now.  I have cancer.  It’s fucking serious.  I’m about a week away from a mastectomy and four weeks from chemo.  Fine is so far away, it seems impossible to complete.

Cancer-moon

After we get married, we go on a honeymoon.  Ken and I went to Thailand and it was amazing.  Some people, before having a baby go on a babymoon.  We went to Maine when I was 6 months pregnant and I ate lobster rolls every day, blueberry pie and hiked mountains.  It seems like when there is a major life event an excuse to get away is created.  So I decided to invent the “cancer-moon,” a time to go away with your spouse or partner before life turns to shit.  We went to one of our favorite local places, Northfork, LI.

We usually go to the North Fork on a day trip to go wine tasting.  I have been going for years (it’s where I had my bachelorette party) and we find it so relaxing.  We have our favorite spot and we hit some of them.

We were starving when we arrived so the first thing we did was grab some lunch at the North Fork Lunch Truck.  It is owned by the same people who run North Fork Table and Inn.  Their restaurant is extraordinary (we usually eat there each time we visit) and the lunch truck is no different.  We shared a gazpacho, lobster roll, and seared tuna sandwich.  It was so good that I forgot to take pictures!

Enjoying a glass of Chardonnay at Lenz Winery.

One of the first places we always go is Lenz Winery.  Their wines are consistently wonderful and the winery is peaceful and well laid out.  We also like it because they don’t seem to get the large tours too often so it is never overcrowded.

In the vineyard of Lenz Winery.

At Lenz Winery

After a tasting and enjoying a glass of wine in their gardens, we headed into the vineyard for a selfie with the grapes and some general silly pics.  Peekaboo, anyone?

Next we went to Ken’s favorite spot in the North Fork, Greenport Harbor Brewery.  They have a new tasting room on Route 25 (the main road in the North Fork).  They are still waiting for their liquor license for the main room but had plenty of chairs outside. Ken’s favorite beers are the Saison and the IPA.  I am not much of a beer drinker but he always makes me try each one.  The tastes are plentiful so I usually take over and become the designated driver for a while.

After the beer tasting, we checked in to our B&B at Shinn Estate.  Shinn Estate, in my opinion, has the best wines in Long Island.  We are never disappointed and always consistently love their rose, chardonnay and wild boar doe.  I don’t think that they allow tours so their tasting room is always tranquil.  They also use their home as a B&B.  It’s not the cheapest place to stay but it is certainly not the most expensive and you get a lot for your money.  Their are only 4 rooms so it’s really quiet.  They make you a lovely breakfast, much of it is from their own garden and the eggs are from their chickens.  They leave wine and cheese for you in the afternoon to enjoy and include either a free tasting or complimentary glass of wine in their tasting room.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.

Enjoying the complimentary afternoon wine and cheese at Shinn Estate.

The living room at Shinn Estate. I love the rustic feel!

We learned from one of the other guests at our B&B about a new place that had opened up in Greenport called Go Shuck Yourself, an oyster bar where you can shuck your own oysters.  I had never done it before and thought I was going to rip my hand apart but I ended up being quite the pro!  I was so proud of myself!!!!  This was, by far the highlight of my trip.

Ken teaching me how to shuck and oyster

I’m showing Ken how it’s done.

Success!

Go Shuck Yourself

The next day we just took it easy.  We drove around the Fork, enjoying the sights and beautiful weather.  We stopped at a beach and dipped our feet in, bought some lavender at the lavender farm and went back for seconds at the Lunch Truck.  It was a wonderful time away.  

It wasn’t all smiles and relaxation.  With the time away from little Oliver, I was able to process some of what was going on with my diagnosis and with facing infertility.  We did a little bit of crying.  We needed time together to do that.  But we mostly laughed, drank, ate and were merry.  I think everyone who is diagnosed with cancer should go on a cancermoon.  You’ll thank me later. 

Motherhood Mondays: Dealing With Sadness

I am, by nature, a person of extremes.  When I’m happy, I’m really, really happy.  When I’m sad, I can really get down in the dumps and think the worst.  I don’t do anything half ass and I do emotions all the way.  But still, nothing has compared to the sadness and, dare I say it, depression I felt when I was first diagnosed.  It was so encompassing of my body, I was not sure I could care for Oliver.

Here is what I experienced as a result of being diagnosed with cancer.  These feelings and symptoms(?) lasted two weeks until I got a complete diagnosis.

1. Constant crying (constant!!!)
2. Shaking or trembling
3. Loss of appetite
4. Trouble sleeping (well, I could fall asleep but I’d wake up by 5:00 am)
5. Dark, dark, dark thoughts
6. Unable to get out of bed or off the floor
7. Apathy
8. Loss of focus

I have experienced some of these things as a result of sadness or fear before but never all at the same time and I found that particularly frightening.  I was most worried about Oliver seeing me like this so I went to see a therapist.  

I think talking to someone who was objective helped because I knew he had my best interest in mind but never sugar coated anything.  When I would tell friends or family my fears of dying or losing my breasts or chemotherapy, they would try to make me feel better.  Of course they did!  Why shouldn’t they?  That’s exactly what I would do for them.  But it wasn’t helping.  A therapist just listened and nodded and often repeated my fears back to me.  I felt acknowledged.  The fears did not go away but I felt heard.  

My depression did not end that day but I think it helped me to be a little less fearful and more present on each day, each moment and each piece of information I received about my sickness.  And when I became more equipped to handle these extreme emotions, I stopped crying in front of my son, began playing with him again and getting back into our routine.

I am far from expert in dealing with any kind of depression and would never, EVER give any advice, at least at this point.  I think it’s just important to acknowledge that this happened to me because it is likely that it will happen again sometime in this year of hell.  I think I’m going to be sad and scared a lot.  But I’m also still going to be a mom and I have to figure out how I can do both.

Less Than Two Weeks Until Surgery

I mentioned in a post earlier this week that life has pretty much gotten back to normal, as normal as it can be right now.  I was talking to one of my best friends about this yesterday when I casually mentioned that my mastectomy was only two weeks away.  And my throat tightened up.  Tears filled my eyes.  “Oh my God, I think it just hit me.  My surgery is only two weeks away.”

It’s so close yet so far away.  I definitely want this cancer out of my body, STAT!  But I don’t feel ready to go through this process of major surgery and change in my body.  I’m actually terrified.  I ended up making an appointment with my surgeon to discuss my fears and to have her explain in detail what she will be doing in the surgery and what I can expect afterwards.  I’m not very clear on this.  I usually handle stress and fear better when I am informed and educated.  So hopefully this talk with her will help.

In any case, does anyone have any good techniques for handling the stress and fear (that doesn’t include drugs but could include chocolate)?

Fashion Fridays: Fulfilling a Longtime Wish

 

I am going to lose my hair when I start chemotherapy.  It’s a fact.  I love my hair.  I really do.  It’s a rich dark brown, shiny and soft.  I do have a lot of grays coming in and I get very frizzy in the humidity but overall, I think my hair is great.  While losing it is just something I need to do in order to get better, I’m a little sad.

When I was 18 years old I had a short pixie cut (think Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted).  I was walking through Soho near NYU (this is when Soho still had artists and was a little grungy) and I saw this woman in paint stained overalls with a haircut just like mine except her bangs were dyed a periwinkle blue.  I was hooked.  I wanted it so bad!!!!!  I went home and told my mother about it and said that I was going to do it.  Her reply was, “Sure, you can dye your hair blue.  Just don’t come home again.”  I was afraid she meant it.  So I never got it done.

Then I went to college for theatre and I needed to be a blank canvas, so I didn’t do it then.  Then I was pursuing acting so I couldn’t do it then.  Then I became a professional and it didn’t even cross my mind.  But once in a while I’d see someone walking down the street with a beautiful bright color and I’d feel a twinge of regret.  

So, when I found out that I was going to lose my hair in a few short months the first thing I thought was, “I have to dye my hair!!!!!”  So I contacted a good friend of mine who is also a hair stylist at the fabulous Parlor Salon and asked if she could help me out.  Here’s what we did.  

Bleach #1

First we dyed my hair to take out the grays and then began bleaching highlights around my head.

This is how I looked after bleach #1

Bleach #2

Then we went back in to bleach it some more since it came out kind of golden copper the first time (that actually looked kind of nice but I wasn’t stopping there).

And a little more.

Until it came out like this.

Then we added the color. And waited. And here is the result.

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See that streak on the left?

It’s really hard to tell right now but it’s purple!!!!!  We didn’t think it would color my whole head the way it did but the color took all over.  But if you look in the sunlight, you can see all of the deep purple highlights.  After a few shampoos, this will really show up well.   I am so excited that I did this.  It’s been a long time coming.  Even my mom likes it!!!  

Now I’m starting to think about what I’ll do when I begin my chemo.  I’m thinking of shaving it bit by bit, giving myself a Miley look.  Then shave it all.  I can do punk rock, right?

Fertility Clinic Appointment

Today I met with a fertility doctor to discuss the possibility of harvesting my eggs.  In yesterday’s post I highlighted the fertility support of the Livestrong Foundation and they guided me to the Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine.  I was blown away by the support that was offered through this program.

If I were to pay for the whole process of harvesting and freezing my eggs, including fertility medicine, I would be paying close to $10,000 out of pocket.  With this program, I am provided all my fertility medications by the Livestrong Foundation at no cost and the Sher Institute provides, 2 consultations, freezing, harvesting and 2 years of storage all for NO COST!!!!!!  The only cost I might incur is the fee for the anesthesiologist if my insurance won’t cover it.  

My mind was blown today.  I feel like it’s a big weight that has been lifted off my shoulders.  I still don’t know if I want children but I’m relieved that I don’t have to make this decision right now and can focus on my treatment.  

I want to be clear, this process isn’t free forever. After 2 years I have to pay an annual fee to store my eggs and if I ever want to use them, the thawing, inseminating and IVF will cost more than $10,000.  That’s a lot of money.  But there’s time to figure it out.  

If you are a young woman who has been diagnosed with cancer and are considering the possibility of becoming a parent or growing your family in the future, I highly suggest you look into this program.  Again, the link is in the post below.  

Has anyone had any experience doing this?  Did you use this program or do it on your own?  Are you glad you did it?

“Are You Going to Have Another?”

Almost immediately after giving birth to one child someone (usually someone tactless) asks, “are you planning on having another?”  It seems over time that question gets asked more and more.  I have been hearing it a lot lately.

But here’s the thing.  Even if I wanted one (which I’m not sure I do), I probably won’t be able to have another.  One awful fact, and the hardest one to hear, is that chemotherapy will age my ovaries 10 years.  10 F*CKING YEARS!!!!!  The likelihood of having anything usable at that point is very slim.  It was recommended that I seek out advice on fertility and harvesting my eggs (because thinking about how I’m going to live with cancer for a while is clearly not enough).

Through guidance and google searching, I learned that Livestrong provides information to young cancer patients to help with fertility.  They have helped find a fertility clinic that will harvest and freeze my eggs for free (the price can be a staggering $7000-$9000!!!!) along with 2 consultations.  Storage of eggs is not included.  This is great because I also learned that my insurance does not cover any fertility treatments whatsoever.  

So, tomorrow I am going to the fertility clinic.  Not because I’m sure I want another child.  But because I’m not sure that I don’t.  I don’t want to have any regrets down the line.  So I’m going to find out what my options are.  I don’t think that I have many.

Does anyone have any experience with fertility pre-chemo treatment?  Or surrogacy?  Adoption with a cancer survivor as a parent?